The Brain Numbing Invasion of the Golden Outcast
by Pit Viper of Doom
Summary: Watch out, Suescum, there's a new Slayer in town. And she will not stand to see The Outcast of Redwall soiled by freakish romanticized writing. Fear me, if you dare.


**My first stab at a Suebasher fic, starring ME MYSELF AND I!!akaKenzieFarsight. Enjoy lotsa!**

The girl known on as 'Adderstar of ValorClan' (and on DeviantArt as av-marten) was sitting slumped in front of the computer with a glazed look in her eyes. A small heap of saltwater taffy wrappers beside her continued to grow as the minutes passed, but the weighty cloud continued to hang in her brain, and the source of the weight sure wasn't a silver lining. No, this was a cloud called boredom.

To ward off the monotony of that certain summer afternoon, Adderstar checked for any new updates, reviews, PMs, or forum replies. For about the twentieth time that day.

In the Redwall section, a fic she had not read yet caught her attention. She eyed it warily, wondering if it might help her tedious predicament. She'd seen it updated several times within a fairly short amount of time, but had never tried reading it yet.

Probably because whenever she read the summary, she had to imagine where the periods would be, if there were to be any periods.

_Well, if the story's just as bad as the summary, maybe I can at least give the writer some advice,_ she thought. Just out of curiosity, she clicked the Reviews button to see what kind of feedback the fic was getting. She blinked hard several times before clicking the Back button. Her eyes stung and watered.

_Gods… those flames burned me and I'm not even the one writing the story!_ Well, time to see if the fic justified the flame.

It did.

"N-no, not my favorite of the books!" Adderstar grimaced, horrified. "Why'd it have to be that one, of all the— NYAAAUUUGHARGH!" A shudder ran through her.

Her older brother, who was sitting on the couch across the room with symphonic metal clogging his ears, lifted his headphones from his ears momentarily. "Eh? Is Mom calling me?"

"AAABABABABLAAAAAGGGHHH!" Okay, maybe Adderstar was overreacting just a little.

"Are you reading Ouran High School Host Club again? What part are you at?"

"SUES! SUES! SUUUUEES IN THE OUTCAST OF REDWALL! SUUUUEES!"

"Oh. I hated that one anyway." Her brother, known on as 'the silenced', returned to his music.

Adderstar had regained control over herself. "Well, this fic will make you hate it even more."

The girl dashed frantically to her room. Digging through her cluttered desk drawers, she pulled out a small device. "Oho, yes." Thundering down the stairs, she paused and thought carefully. "Hmm… well, I will need some help. 'Saerin Mariah Sunjewel Sixclaw'? Turbo-Sue on the loose."

* * *

An hour later, a white rabbit was reading the fic on Adderstar's computer, pausing only to retch.

"Don't vomit on the carpet please," Adderstar begged. "You see? We need to obliterate this Sue from the very face of the fandom, ASAP."

Plot Bunny 42 grimaced. Besides her white fur, she had Mascara-like markings around her eyes, black ears, some black on her tail, and a stripe down her lower back that resembled a skid mark. (Actually, she was remarkably similar to Adderstar's own pet rabbit.) "What do you propose we do?"

Adderstar gritted her teeth. "We're going in, 42," she replied. "Using this." She showed her furry Muse the device she'd taken from her desk. "I made myself a Redwall-verse fursona. You know, my talk show? This is what I call a Plocontravice, a Plot Continuum Transport Device. With it, we can go into any fandom we choose, looking like whatever we want to look like."

"Caesar's gone through it already, right?" said 42, naming the closet emo's pet cat. "It's safe to use on animals?"

"Exactly," Adderstar said with a nod. "It's completely painless, and has no adverse effects on the mind, body, soul, or digestive system."

"Isn't that last one a part of the body?" 42 asked quizzically.

"Anyway," Adderstar continued, ignoring the Plot Bunny's interruption, "we need to fix this problem without messing up the current storyline. Basically, we have to do like the Boy Scouts. Take nothing but the life of a Sue-scum, and leave nothing but footprints."

"That's not what the Boy Scouts do!" The Silenced protested from across the room.

"Regardless! I've thrown together a few things that we might need." Adderstar held up a light purple drawstring knapsack covered in cartoon pandas and rainbows. "The Plocontravice will turn this into a normal haversack."

"What's in there?" 42 asked, poking her nose into the pack.

"Oh, just a few little tricks," Adderstar replied casually. "Chloroform, pepper spray, a few cloves of garlic, various sharp implements, and some C-4."

The plot bunny had an expression similar to someone who'd just been whacked in the face with a two-by-four.

"Only joking, no C-4 or chloroform. But I heard garlic works really well on Sues, and pepper spray… well, it's the bear pepper spray from my family's Yellowstone trip."

"Looks like we're all set then," the plot bunny said. "So, how does the Self-Inserter work?"

"It will also send us to the fandoms and different fanfics from said fandoms. I have to type in the fandom, time period, fanfic, and author, and this baby does the rest."

"Cool. Where'd you get it?"

Adderstar blinked. "I… borrowed it… from a friend… yes, that's right, from a friend…"

"Are we gonna kill things?" 42 asked hopefully.

"Of course."

"I'm in."

Adderstar smiled, murmuring, "With great power comes great responsibility," and pressed the shiny purple button. But this time, it wasn't the Review key.

* * *

All was peaceful in Mossflower, but slightly… different. Birds sang more sweetly than usual, the wind was much more noticeable in rippling the grass and rustling through the green leaves. The river sounded much more like a musical instrument than running water, and fish darted and jumped in it for no apparent reason.

Suddenly, a shiny hole appeared in the very fabric of the fandom, and a brown rat with a saber at her belt tumbled through it with a yell of "SHART!"

Kenzie Farsight's glasses slipped to the tip of her snout and balanced there lopsidedly. Pushing them back into place, the young rat checked herself over carefully, making sure all her limbs were there. Perfect.

There was a yelp from above, and Kenzie barely dodged out of the way in time to avoid the falling rabbit.

42 stood up unsteadily. "That… was cool. Ho, sweet!" She hefted a battle-axe in her paws, testing the edge as carefully as she could.

Sure enough, Kenzie now carried a typical Redwall-esque haversack, and the T-shirt and jeans of her human self had become a tunic and belt and whatnot.

"According to the fic, we're headed that way," said Kenzie, gesturing northeast. "We're looking for a wide clearing 'carpeted by an emerald blanket of moss'.

"Wait, what part are we at in the original book?" 42 demanded.

"Er… the last part, I believe, the last battle between Veil, Swartt, Sunflash, and Bryony."

"WHAT?!" roared 42. "What 'clearing'?! That happened on top of a mountain, near that waterfall!"

Kenzie gave her a look.

"Oh, right. Sue. Canon-rape. Got it."

"Mm-hm." Kenzie cocked her head suddenly. "Hey, listen to that!"

The sound of the clashing of weapons, as well as mocking taunts, floated toward the two of them.

"I defy you, Father! Have at thee!"

"Ha, you milk-nosed whelp! You will never defeat me! I will possess you forever! Muahaha!"

"H-have at thee??" Kenzie suddenly started to vibrate oddly. "That was… VEIL'S VOICE!! SINCE WHEN DOES VEIL TALK ARCHAIC?! And there was no swordfight between Veil and Swartt in the book!" Her glasses trembled on the bridge of her snout, threatening to fall off. "And 'muahaha'?? WHAT KIND OF EVIL LAUGHTER IS THAT!?"

42 had an answer ready. "That is Sue-laughter."

A strange, manic light entered Kenzie's eyes, and she began to laugh. "Heh… Hehehehehehe… This Sue has no idea who she's dealing with… This was my favorite book… and it was… GARRRGGHH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHARR! This… this releases within me… a rage the likes of which no one has ever before SEEN OR HEARD OF! The fury equal to that of a thousand Arawolf Beechclaws!"

In spite of herself, 42 shuddered. For a split second, she almost felt sorry for the Sue they hunted. But, only for a split second.

The rat set off in a different direction from the aforementioned clearing. "C'mon, 42. There's something we gotta do first."

* * *

In another part of the forest, not far from the enraged rat, all was oddly quiet. Then there was a flash of the brightest gold that had ever been called a fur color.

Saerin Mariah Sunjewel Sixclaw's black-as-night footpaws barely touched the ground that she dashed along. Her tail, bushy and silky-smooth, streamed behind her like a golden banner. Her ethereal blue eyes, framed by a jet-black mask of fur, glinted like blue stars set in the midnight heavens. They shone with hope, determination, and the courage to match that of a great lion of old, and at the same time they blazed with rage, with a fire that rivaled a soaring blue comet.

Her impossibly keen ears picked up the sound of the clashing of swords, and she actually doubled her pace. For too long had she been alone, shunned by all woodlanders who were so unjustly prejudiced against her kind, and hunted by vermin warlords who would use her supernatural power for their own gain. Her left paw bore the mark of her vicious father, six claws. She hated that mark. All who knew of Swartt knew of the mark of the Sixclaw, and knew it marked her as the evil ferret's child. She wished with all her pure, sinless heart that she could run from her past and leave it behind forever, but she knew that her conscience would never allow this. Not while she could save the life and soul of her long-lost twin brother. Not while she could avenge her dead mother by slaying that jealous vixen Nightshade. Not while she could bring down her evil father and prove to the world that she was not a vermin. Not while she could convince those of her species that they could choose another path than one of ruthlessness, cruelty, and murder.

There was a golden explosion as Saerin burst into the clearing just as Nightshade grabbed Bryony by her gown and held a poisoned dagger to the mousemaid's throat. Veil was forced to halt his attack, unwilling to risk the life of the one mouse who had ever cared about him.

A howl of rage tore itself from Saerin's throat, ringing through the air like the tolling of a bell, rending itself toward her sworn enemies like a blade through fire. "NIGHTSHADE! As the spirit of my mother Bluefen watches me now, I swear I will slay you for your crimes!" She stepped forward, her paw straying to the jewel-encrusted short sword at her side.

Nightshade leapt back, her eyes widening with horror as she recognized the babe she thought she had killed. "Y-you! Stay back! St-stay back, demon-child! You're dead! I killed you myself!" In her terror, she released Bryony, who slumped to the ground. Looking frantic, Veil rushed to her side.

"The dagger broke skin!" he wailed. "It was poisoned! Bryony, no!"

Saerin approached the young ferret and knelt beside him. "Stand back, Veil. I can help her."

"Who are—" Veil's voice trailed off, and his eyes glazed over as he fought to resurface some long-buried memory. "I know you…"

His long-lost sister's blue eyes, formerly blazing hate and vengeance, now softened into infinite pools of serenity. "I know you, too… brother."

Saerin reached out a paw gently to touch the shallow wound on Bryony's throat. As if by magic, the wound disappeared, and Bryony sat up slowly.

"Wh-what happened?"

"I can heal," Saerin explained. "Veil, our mother might have died in childbirth, had I not unwittingly healed her severe internal wounds as I was brought into the world—"

"_Spawned, _you mean."

All those present in the clearing turned to look at the speaker, whose voice dripped sarcasm and disgust.

Kenzie stood at the edge of the clearing, paws akimbo, with Plot Bunny 42 standing by her side. Pushing her glasses back into place, the rat looked at Saerin as though she was a cow pie she'd just stepped in. "So… _Sue_… what have you to say for yourself?"

"I'm sorry, friend," Saerin said gently, placatingly. "But my name is not 'Sue'. Mayhap you are mistaking me for someone else?"

"No, no, I think not." It was Kenzie's turn to look hateful. "'Shining golden fur, royal blue eyes with infinite depths, black markings as dark as black gold, and an ornate sword, beautifully made by a wandering blacksmith who was the only one to see you for what you really are.' Well, I'm afraid he wasn't, Saerin. There are many who see you for what you really are, and those are the poor, unsuspecting canon purists who read this rot. Yes, we see you for what you are: a Sue! A loathsome, vile Mary Sue!"

42 blinked ruefully at the group of creatures, silently apologizing for her companion's lapse into drama-mode. "Hold up." Turning so that she was facing the rat, she raised a paw and brought it forcefully across Kenzie's face.

"AAAAAAAABABABARAAAH!" Kenzie shook her head. "Sorry about that!"

Saerin misinterpreted her apology. "It's perfectly all right, friend."

"Don't call me friend!" Kenzie snapped. "I—" Suddenly she looked at Nightshade as if seeing her for the first time. "What—what are you doing here, Nightshade?"

The vixen stared blankly at her.

Kenzie turned to Sunflash, who so far had not participated in any of the goings-on. "Hey… Lord Sunflash? Why are you just standing there? Hello? Swartt's right here, you know. As in, Swartt Sixclaw? Lifelong foe? Enslaved you when you were younger?"

The badger stared blankly at her.

"And Veil, why are you using an archaic, 'Old-English' dialect?"

The ferret stared blankly at her.

"Bryony, what happened to the cave and the waterfall?"

The mousemaid stared blankly at her.

"Swartt—"

The other ferret stared blankly at her.

Kenzie sighed. Marching up to the Sue, she smashed a large, pungent clove of garlic into her lovely face.

A hideous scream rent the air as smoke curled through the air from Saerin's fur. "GET IT OFF GET IT OFF IT BURNS IT BURNS AAAAUUUGGGHHH DO NOT WANT!"

The canon characters blinked, as if awakening from a spell, except for Nightshade. The vixen kept the glazed, zombified look in her eyes, as though her brain was as blank as a wiped disk.

"Hey— what in the name of Hellgates is going on? Why isn't she dead?!" Sunflash snarled.

"Wait, my lord!" Saerin, still determined to carry out her own plotline, moved to intercept him. "She is mine to slay!"

"What?" the badger asked. "Who are you?"

Tears glistened in Saerin's otherworldly sapphire eyes. "It is a sad tale, Lord Sunflash, but one that I must tell now. My mother and father are Bluefen and Swartt, and Veil is my twin brother."

"I have a SISTER?!" Veil sounded dismayed, no, horrified. "I don't want a sister! That's every male's darkest NIGHTMARE!"

"But when we were born, Mother almost died of childbirth." At this point, Saerin cast her lovely eyes downward in a show of completely unassuming modesty. "She would have, had I not been born. I can heal with a single touch, you see. When Nightshade found this out, she grew jealous of my power. She kept me secret from Swartt that night. The day after Veil and I were born, Swartt was out on a raid with a section of the horde, and that loathsome fox tried to drown me. Bluefen, my dear, courageous mother, made a valiant effort to save my life, may she be at peace forever. Alas, it was too late. Nightshade threw me into a rushing river, and my mother died at her paws so that no one would know of me. She put up an admirable fight, though, and Nightshade almost lost her own life."

Veil broke in again. "Wait… you saw all this as you were being washed down the river?"

"I was found by a holt of otters," Saerin continued, ignoring his interruption. "When they saw what I was, a ferret, they left me for dead in the shallows. Then a wandering blacksmith found me, cared for me as he would his own daughter, and raised me.

"I never forgot the wrong Nightshade did me, and when I was in my teen seasons the blacksmith forged me a sword and taught me how to use it. I won my first sparring match with him, and knew then that I would avenge my mother's murder. Later on, the blacksmith died of old age, and I became a roving warrior. When I heard of the great Abbey of Redwall, I knew I had to go there. I thought such a place would accept me.

"But what a welcome I received! That otter, Skipperjo, attacked me on sight, but I fought him off." Her eyes were sad. "I don't blame him, though. I knew it was because of my brother's deeds that I was cast out of Redwall—"

From the look on Veil's face, one might of thought that she'd stabbed him.

"But nor did I blame Veil. I knew it was our wicked father's blood that drove him to do evil, and I was determined to save him from the darkness. So I tracked him down and found him here, with my mortal enemy."

It was undoubtedly impressive that Saerin finished this speech, for Kenzie and 42 were slumped against each other, laughing helplessly. The canon characters all looked horrified, and Nightshade was still gazing emptily into space.

"Just what is so funny?" Saerin demanded, looking hurt. "You now know what drives me. I know you, Kenzie Farsight. I know of your hatred for Nightshade. Why don't you join me? You're a rat, and yet you're pure of heart. You're so like Blaggut and Grubbage, who—,"

"Blaggut and Grubbage don't exist yet, you half-wit!" Kenzie roared, howling with laughter. "Grubbage won't be around for… AHAHAHAHAHA! Quite a while!"

"Regardless, we could do great things together," Saerin continued, looking hardly put off but rather gracefully persistent. "We may even rid this world of evil. We will set an example for all those of our kind, and—"

Kenzie stopped laughing abruptly, as did 42. The rabbit was covering her mouth with both paws, looking horrified by what Saerin had just said.

A strange, possessed light had entered the rat's eyes, and her whiskers trembled. "I… I'm _terribly_ sorry…" she hissed through gritted teeth. "But, could you please repeat the last sentence out of your mouth? Maybe… maybe I heard you _wrong._"

"I said, We will set an example for those of our kind," Saerin repeated, looking slightly disturbed by the rat's show of emotion.

"Yes… yes, that's what I thought you said," Kenzie half-whispered. A high-pitched giggle exited her mouth. "'_Our_ kind', you said? In that, you imply that I'm like you?"

"Why… why yes," Saerin replied with the slightest hint of hesitation.

"I KIIIIILL!" Roaring like a demented Kodiak bear, Kenzie drew her saber and flew at the Sue, foam frothing at her mouth, her eyes wide and crazed with anger. "YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING LIKE YOOOUUU! I AM _NOTHING_ LIKE YOU, SUESCUM!"

With a swish and a clang, Saerin brought her sword into play. Infuriated by the Sue's unwitting insult, Kenzie attacked in a wrathful manner, her initial assault actually forcing Saerin back several paces. But once the ferret femme got her footing back, her Sue-enhanced skill and Kenzie's shark-feeding-frenzy-style of combat were evenly matched. But only for a while.

Sue-enhanced skill is a powerful thing. Very powerful. _Gods, everything Sue-enhanced is a powerful thing,_ thought the section of Kenzie's mind that was still remotely sane and rational. The lovely ferretmaid hardly seemed to tire at all as they traded strikes, cleaves, and thrusts. Kenzie, who was regretfully not the most athletic of creatures, soon realized she would have to wrap this up before she got too winded. Running on adrenaline, the rat managed to block a sweep of Saerin's blade and kick her hard in the stomach.

Suddenly, fortune threw another factor into the mix. A plothole, large and ominous, opened up about five yards away from the two battlers. Recovering from Kenzie's kick, Saerin flew at the rat with renewed vigor, hope shining in her eyes as she fought to force her enemy into the plothole. The rat quickly caught on to her tactic, and desperation made her hit harder. Then…

She tripped. It was quite amazing, really. She tripped over her own tail. A yard backwards and she would have fallen right into the plothole.

"SHART!"

"Ha! I don't even need to force you in!" With an amazing display of lower body strength, the Sue launched herself into the air, sword pointed downward to stab the rat.

Three things flashed through the rat's mind at the same time, in an instant. A scene from The Lion King, a scene from Lord Brocktree, and a scene from Rakkety Tam. All involved the same basic maneuver in a fight.

Bracing herself, the rat kicked upward with her footpaws, catching the pouncing ferretmaiden in the stomach. The desired effect was imminent; Saerin was flung straight through the black portal to the unknown.

But Sues, being the heroes of cornily written fanfics and therefore unrealistically fortunate, managed to grab the edge of the ground and stop herself from falling in. But the damage was done. The ferret-Sue was completely at Kenzie's mercy, of which there was none.

With a wide smirk, Kenzie approached the helpless Sue. Unwilling to go down without a speech, Saerin stared fearlessly up at her enemy.

"I was wrong!" she snarled. "For someone like me, that is quite a thing to admit! You are nothing like me! You are just like those who cause the spreading of hatred toward our species throughout this world! You are truly a vermin! A rat! A low, dirty, common _vermin!_"

Kenzie's eyes narrowed as she sensed an homage coming. "Vermin?" she echoed, baring her teeth in a smile not unlike Artemis Fowl's trademark vampirish sneer. "I AM A SLAYER!" Raising her footpaw, she kicked the Sue in the forehead, dislodging jet-black paws from the ground she gripped for her life.

Saerin Mariah Sunjewel Sixclaw disappeared into the black oblivion with a wild howl of rage. "This isn't over, Farsight!"

Satisfied, Kenzie got up and sheathed her sword.

"Nice ending line," 42 remarked. "'Til it was ruined by Little Miss Goldilocks's parting threat."

"Sues," Kenzie snorted, rolling her eyes. "They always gotta have the last word."

"So what's with Nightshade?" asked Bryony suddenly. "She seems somewhat more idiotic than before."

"That's not Nightshade," said Sunflash. "At least, I don't think it is. She seems… off."

"You're right, Lord," said Kenzie. "That isn't Nightshade. But nor is it a Sue. This is what Suethors often do to canon characters, when they completely change the plot. This one was just one of Saerin's tools, to help her own plot along. When I hit Saerin with the garlic, it in a way wrenched her out of the story, returning the 'true' canon characters to their former selves. Now that Saerin's out of the story, this version of Nightshade has no more purpose. So it is now mindless, purposeless, and pointless." 42 approached the zombified vixen and raised her weapon. Her battle-axe cleaved the Sue-tool, slaying it instantly, and a quick shove dropped the body into the plothole.

"That was satisfying, somehow," she remarked with a smile. "I put it out of its misery, didn't I?"

Kenzie blinked. "O…kay… Whatever. Now, let's all get over to the— Veil, be a dear and give me that… thank you…" Confiscating Veil's Sue-sword, she tossed it into the plothole as well. "That hole disappear once everything's back to normal." Taking out her Plocontravice, the rat typed in a few calculations, and within seconds they were standing on the plateau on the mountaintop, surrounded by Swartt's depleted hordebeasts. They were all frozen in place; nothing was moving, not even the fire that Veil and Swartt were supposed to be sitting around.

Kenzie nodded to the large pentagram covering the area, a sure sign of a time-stop spell. "I got that idea from the Artemis Fowl fairies, and drew it before I came to confront the Sue. It'll wear off once I'm gone. Oh! I almost forgot!"

Reaching into her haversack, the rat drew out what looked like a smooth, perfectly straight stick. She smiled fondly to herself and stroked it, murmuring, "Ah yes, cedar with a unicorn tail hair at the center… wonderful." The rat pointed it at the four canon characters and roared aloud, "_OBLIVIATE!_"

Sunflash, Swartt, Veil, and Bryony all froze. A blank look entered their eyes, the look of somebeast having his or her memory modified.

"Well, let's go before they recover, then," said Kenzie. With a push of a button on the Plocontravice, the rat and her fuzzy little bunny muse vanished from the Redwall-verse.

* * *

Adderstar of ValorClan and Plot Bunny 42 reappeared in the Real World, looking quite normal once more. (Normal as in human and non-anthropomorphized, respectively. Not meant by any means actually normal.)

"That was cool," Adderstar remarked, unpacking the equipment from what had once been a haversack but was now once more a purple drawstring knapsack with pandas and rainbows on it.

"Yeah," 42 agreed. "We oughtta do that more often."

"I guess. I started off with the Redwall reality show, then tried my hand at this. I should definitely keep up this whole Sueslaying thing."

"Yeah…" The rabbit blinked. "Do you think Saerin meant what she said? That last thing she screamed at you?"

"Most definitely," Adderstar affirmed. "She's a Vengeful!Sue. I'd be surprised if she didn't."

"Does that worry you at all?"

Taking out her beloved MP3 player, the fanfiction author selected her Nightwish music after a brief moment of indecision between that, Linkin Park, and Fort Minor. Then, with the air of someone well versed in the ways of procrastination, she shrugged airily at her Plot Bunny and turned up the volume.

* * *

**A bit short, but like I said it's my first stab at Sueslaying (no pun intended). A featuring role of the silenced, my dear older brother, (hope you're having fun in college).**

**I do not own Redwall, nor do I own the concept of Sueslaying or the reference to 300. I do, however, own Kenzie, Plot Bunny 42, Saerin Mariah Sunjewel Sixclaw, and the Plocontravice (LONGEST FRICKIN PORTMANTEAU WORD. EVAH.)**


End file.
